just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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