Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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