She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
