I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
so let's talk penis.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
