remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
