I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
