That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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