my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
