I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
