I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
