My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we're making bets on your personal life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
