sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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