and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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