Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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