Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
