having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
