dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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