Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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