I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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