i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
