Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
