I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
