Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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