He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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