hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
