yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
