I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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