The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
