Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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