drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
