RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
