He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
