Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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