I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I am morally bankrupt
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i drank out of a bidet.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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