just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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