I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
