the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
