please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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