It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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