ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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