Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
