Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
