my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
