I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
