So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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