My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
