I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
