My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
