my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
