Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
