I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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