Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
