the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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