My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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