do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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