I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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