Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
