The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
